There are plenty of bad Christmas songs out there. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoy Christmas music in general. The problem is that there are only so many Christmas songs, but there have been hundreds of popular artists within the last few decades or so, and they all tend to release Christmas albums with their own version of popular Christmas tunes. With that many versions of each Christmas song floating around, it's hard to have more than one or two favorites of each. But there is one song that, no matter who it is sung by, ruins Christmas.
I'm talking, of course, about "The Christmas Shoes"
I hate the song "The Christmas Shoes". Can't stand it. I ABHOR the song "The Christmas Shoes". Every time it comes on the radio I have to switch to another station or turn it off. It wrecks Christmas.
Let me walk you through (some of) the lyrics:
1) "It was almost Christmas time..." (Verse 1)
This is the very first line of the whole entire song. It sounds pretty innocent. Until later in the song, when it mentions that "it's Christmas Eve". What? That's not "almost" Christmas time. That plain old IS Christmas time. I'm sure most people would agree with me that pretty much the entire month of December is Christmas time. Not just Christmas Day. By the time it's Christmas Eve, you're all up in Christmas' business. If the lyric was "It was almost Christmas Day", it would make a lot more sense. Christmas Eve definitely IS almost Christmas Day. But that's not what the lyric is. I can't have much respect for a song that begins with such a factual inaccuracy.
2) "He counted pennies for what seemed like years/Then the cashier said 'Son, there's not enough here.'" (Verse 2)
Who IS this cashier? Are they joking?!? This kid just said that his mom is dying, which is why he's trying to buy these shoes, and the cashier decides to tell the kid he's short the money? What a JERK. The kid was counting out PENNIES, for crying out loud. I'm going to assume that the store was packed, being that it's Christmas Eve and all, and the song mentions that they were standing in a line. Did the cashier REALLY take the time to count out every penny to see that it was not enough? "Sorry kid, you're 97 cents short". I get that it sets up the song so that the guy behind the kid gets to help pay for the shoes and all, so he can remember the meaning of Christmas, but.....hey.....speaking of.....
3) "I knew that God had sent that little boy/To remind me just what Christmas is all about" (Bridge)
No. No He didn't. Just what does this guy get reminded of here? That Christmas is all about shopping? Because that's what they are doing. Last-minute shopping on Christmas Eve. It's not about peace and goodwill to your fellow man. Not about Jesus coming down to earth. And it's definitely not about spending time with family...which just happens to include your dying mother. It's about shopping. Material goods will triumph over all. Because dying or not, Mama still wants one last pair of shoes, apparently.
4) "Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time..." (Chorus)
Then why are you freaking SHOPPING, kid?!? (See #3.) Your mom is dying and you really think that she cares more about receiving some sort of gift than seeing her son during her last moments on earth? If I was a mom, on my deathbed, and my kid ran out, saying he had to run an errand or something, and it was Christmas freaking Eve to boot, I would be pretty upset. Shoes or not, that kid is definitely cut from my will.
5) "He searched his pockets frantically/Then he turned and looked at me...Tell me sir what am I going to do/Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes" (Verse 2)
Gee, kid, why don't you make it a little more obvious? The song doesn't include that the kid went "Ahem, hint, hint" and nudged the guy a few times right after he said this. Who wouldn't feel bad for the kid and try to help him out? But the real question is, how do we know that this kid isn't some sort of scammer? Maybe he's just trying to score a few free Christmas gifts, (for a Mama that's definitely not dying), or grabbing a few things to sell on eBay for a profit. The whole thing sounds pretty fishy to me.
6) "Sir I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please/It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size/Can you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time/You see she's been sick for quite awhile/And I know these shoes would make her smile/And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight" (Full chorus, sung the last time by children)
In general, the chorus is kind of annoying, but worst of all is when the chorus is sung for the last time by children in the most popular version of this song (which I think is by Newsong, but I could be wrong). It is psychotic and creepy as hell. It's sung in a slow, monotonous way, and sends shivers (the creepy kind) down my spine.
7) "...I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight" (Chorus)
Yup, that's what Jesus really cares about. Apparently you do NOT get into heaven without the appropriate footwear. Duly noted.
Here's to a happy, joy-filled, blessed, stressless, and, most importantly, "Christmas Shoes"-free Christmas season!